We’ve all been there: sold a dream by a love interest very early on and—due to a lack of experience in the often cutthroat dating world—take their word on it and get excited, only to later learn the hard lesson that lasting love isn’t built this way.
This common dating experience is called love bombing. Basically, they promise the world and then, unsurprisingly, fail to deliver. Often you’re being kept there as an option until the next thing falls their way. It’s brutal, and frankly if you find yourself encountering it, know you deserve better than this.
While some forms of love-bombing might seem mild, its a term that can actually refer to a more serious red flag in a relationship, especially when seemingly loving acts such as sending flowers and gifts, texting and calling—among other behaviors—are used to assert control over another person.
“Love bombing is an attempt to influence and manipulate a partner by repeated and intense demonstrations of attention and affection, such as bombarding with gifts or messages,” says Ruth Davison, chief executive officer at Refuge. “It is commonly used by perpetrators of domestic abuse to assert power and control.”
In the U.K., the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) has recently updated its guidance on the ways in which abusive partners can emotionally and physically manipulate and control people—and love bombing has officially been added to this list. The guidance says prosecutors should consider whether these acts form part of the course of conduct.
So, what should you look out for if you suspect you’re being love bombed?
It can come in many forms, but often includes things like:
- Being promised heavy commitment early on
- Being complimented or gifted things non-stop
- Being showered in affection right from the off when it’s just too soon
- They give you lots of attention and expect that back (again, when it’s too soon)
- They don’t respect your boundaries or try to take things personally, making you compromise on your non-negotiables
- Signs of intense jealousy—accusing you of flirting with others, making you feel guilty for having interests outside of your relationship.
Love bombing is ultimately a form of manipulation, because it makes you feel a certain way that benefits the love bomber (for example, they feel secure that they have your affections). What might look sweet and cute at the start can quickly turn sour.
Love bombing may also often be used as part of reconciliation after a victim has pulled back from an abuser after a particular incident of abuse.
Where to seek help if you are being love bombed
If any of our love bombing examples sound familiar and you’re worried about someone’s behavior, help is available. Several non-profit organizations exist to help women and children find support in abusive relationships including the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Call 1-800-799-7233, text “start” to 88788, or chat live at thehotline.org. Women Against Abuse also has a list of resources, as does the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
