Look, we were a little disappointed when we found out that Disney was resuscitating the Santa Clause franchise for a sequel series. But, despite backtracking on boycotting of Tim Allen for Lightyear because he was too much of a truthteller for the progressive, anti-fascists at the Disney Corporation, the company relented and proved yesterday at the D23 Expo that they were returning to the North Pole. So, armed with a new teaser trailer, The Santa Clauses is coming to Disney+ this November.
Though we somehow managed to prevent our eyes from rolling out of our heads into the ocean, we were saved not by an escape clause but rather a Krumholtz clause. This weary nation can relax because Bernard, the vacation braid sporting, know-it-all elf from the first two Santa Clause movies, is back. Disney successfully avoided another Last Jedi situation on this one.
“Miss me?” Bernard asks toward the end of the trailer. Obviously, yes. Krumholtz infamously found an Escape Clause of his own and managed to skip out on the third movie in the trilogy. So Disney replaced him with Martin Short, who plays Santa Claus’ most famous villain: Jack Frost.
This time, Tim Allen’s character Scott Calvin is giving up the ghost of Christmas past and is retiring as Santa Claus, turning this movie into a succession story with far fewer “fuck offs.” However, while he’s willing to humor Peyton Manning with a job interview, Tim Allen promised the crowd at D23 yesterday that the movie would dive into all background crap Santa Stans (Stantas?) have been asking for. As a curious hunter of knowledge, Allen had a lot of questions about this whole Santa business, and the lore, origins, and backstory are how he sold the show. Disney’s already making a movie about the origins of the stupid wishing star, so why shouldn’t we also ruin the magic around Santa?
“For the geeks like me,” Allen told the crowd at D23, “Why doesn’t Mrs. Clause have a first name? We’re going to find out the history of Santa. Are there ever really any other human children at the North Pole? Now I’ve got two kids at the North Pole. It’s a big mystery: Where did I come from?” At least it finally puts the debate to bed: Disney probably didn’t cast Tim Allen in Lightyear because he had too many annoying questions about it.
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Allen continued the hard sell by promising that The Santa Clauses was a “wonderful, beautiful story,” and “maybe Bernard comes back,” he said to thunderous applause. There are six “chapters,” which he insists on calling the episodes, and the first two will slide down the chimney and into your nightmares on November 16.
