Steve
Remakes have never been my favorite film genre. Not even close. Then again, some remakes are better than the originals, like David Cronenberg’s The Fly, John Carpenter’s The Thing, Little Shop of Horrors, and Pete Travis’ Dredd, which should have gotten a sequel years ago. Still, another shade of the remake spectrum makes you wonder why the filmmakers bothered in the first place. In most cases, people in charge of remakes think they’re adding to the original’s legacy, while others think they can do it better. The success of a remake varies from one title to another, and, as always, the audience ultimately decides a film’s quality and place alongside the one that came before.
As a fan of “awfully good” cinema, I can often find the silver lining in a title others deem is a “waste of time” or “so bad I had to turn it off.” However, some movies are so bad, so pointless, that they beg the question: Whose idea was this? Today, I want to look back at some of the worst remakes of all time and make a list of the worst offenders. Obviously, this is all subjective, and seeing as there are only five spots, some movies will inevitably fall through the cracks. That’s why the comments section is there. That’s where you can share your list of the worst remakes of all time. Let’s dig into some cinematic sludge, shall we?
5) Poltergeist (2015)
Imagine watching Tobe Hooper and Steven Spielberg’s classic supernatural horror film Poltergeist and thinking, “I can do that.” That could be something Gil Kenan said to himself one evening, before getting up the courage to propose a remake of one of the single greatest haunted house movies ever made. While some critics give Kenan’s Poltergeist a pass for being “generally entertaining,” the movie earns a spot on this list for being wholly unnecessary. It’s one thing to present old ideas with your own unique spin, if you have one, but Kenan’s Poltergeist might as well live in the liminal space inside Carol Anne’s television and stay there.
Hooper’s Poltergeist includes show-stopping performances from JoBeth Williams, Craig T. Nelson, and Beatrice Straight, with Zelda Rubenstein’s portrayal of the spiritual medium Tangina Barrons being among the film’s most unforgettable elements. Kenan’s version adds nothing to the iconography of the original, resulting in a paint-by-numbers pseudo-facsimile lacking any spine-tingling scenes or genuine terror. It pains me to say this, as I love Kenan’s 2006 children’s horror film Monster House, but the Poltergeist remake offers next to nothing to the haunted-house sub-genre and might as well be eaten by a tree or drowned in a pool of dead bodies.
4) Total Recall (2012)
Oh, Len Wiseman. What happened? Granted, Paul Verhoeven’s Total Recall isn’t as book-accurate as some fans would hope, but it became a stone-cold science-fiction classic despite its alterations to Philip K. Dick’s 1966 novelette. You’d think that with a cast the likes of Colin Farrell, Bryan Cranston, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Bill Nighy, and John Cho, Wiseman’s Total Recall would stand out as a star-studded version of Dick’s story. Still, alas, the characters are bland, the story lacks intrigue, and it’s about as satisfying as falling asleep next to a three-breasted alien and waking up to Kuato with a line of drool spilling from his chapped lips.
People should judge remakes on their own merits, but it’s impossible not to compare Wiseman’s Total Recall to Verhoeven’s version. While I admire Wiseman’s attempt to bring us closer to Dick’s novelette, the world, characters, and thrust of Verhoeven’s film are leagues more memorable than anything the 2012 remake offers. With so much talent on hand, it’s a miracle that a better movie didn’t materialize. Strap me to a Rekall chair and help me forget this one, please.
3) Robocop (2014)
Maybe we should stop trying to remake Paul Verhoeven movies altogether. More often than not, they don’t work out, and in the case of José Padilha’s Robocop, they should never have seen the light of day. I understand the desire to resurrect a classic character, in this case, it’s Alex Murphy, one of the science fiction genre’s most iconic cops. Still, if you’re going to try, maybe don’t strive for a PG-13 rating. Let the kids stay at home. Cater to the people who were there back in the day. Make it gross, bloody, and with scathing commentary about a system that will bring you back to life so that they can work you to death all over again.
Starring Joel Kinnaman, Gary Oldman, Michael Keaton, Abbie Cornish, Jackie Earl Haley, Jay Baruchel, Samuel L. Jackson, and more, Robocop should have had a shot at adding something worthwhile to the Robocop mythos. Instead, Padilah’s film is devoid of vision, has little to say, and lacks any of the twisted fun of Verhoeven’s original take. Some critics disagree, but when I look at Kinnaman’s redesigned suit in all its black iPhone-meets-Tron mediocrity, all I feel is a deep and abiding sadness for what could have been.
2) War of the Worlds (2025)
H.G. Wells is likely spinning in his grave over this one. When the original version of The War of the Worlds premiered via a radio broadcast in 1938, it caused an unprecedented panic among the public, many of whom believed an ongoing Martian invasion was unfolding in real time. Then, in 2020, the COVID-19 pandemic hit, reducing the Rich Lee-directed remake of Wells’ story to a claustrophobic Screenlife tragedy that, despite starring the likes of Ice Cube, Eva Longoria, Clark Gregg, and more, became a viral laughing stock of epic proportions.
Filmed in isolation and on a $10 million budget, critics often hail War of the Worlds as “one of the worst films ever made,” and that’s without taking into account that it’s a remake. If you want the real deal, listen to the original broadcast directed and narrated by Orson Welles. Or, if you want something more theatrical, I recommend Byron Haskin’s 1953 film, starring Gene Barry, Ann Robinson, and Les Tremayne. Spielberg’s 2005 version is fine, but the further back you go, the better. Poorly acted (though I recognize the limitations of the COVID era), about as visually compelling as watching paint dry, and a grim reminder of times when society would rather flip their fellow humans a middle finger than wear a mask in enclosed spaces, War of the Worlds isn’t worth the hard drive space it occupies on Amazon’s servers.
1) Point Break (2015)
Ugh! There are a lot of bad remakes in cinema, but Ericson Core’s soulless reimagining of Point Break offends in ways that make other films on this list look like unpolished gems. First of all: why? Second of all, if you’re going to attempt to recreate the rush of Kathryn Bigelow’s 1991 action masterpiece, you’d better bring more than a couple of surfboards and performances that cannot begin to compare to the chemistry between Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze’s Johnny Utah and Bodhi, respectively.
Core’s Point Break trades personality for flash, a soundtrack that gets you pumped for a mixtape of throwaway tracks, and intensity for bland action that feels more like the most boring parts of an extreme sports video you found on YouTube than anything that’s genuinely thrilling. I give Core and his team credit for even taking a shot at Point Break, but I can feel the choke of a phantom mask closing around my neck as I think about the time spent watching this movie that I’ll never get back.
What do you think are the worst remakes of all time? Let us know in the comments section below.
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